the end of the world... as you know it

We are constantly fighting to preserve the world as we enjoy it; never wondering what our children will create with what we leave behind. We want more than anything to protect our legacy—never realizing that it is the memories that endure, not the monuments. Our fear drives us to kick and scratch as if our opponent—mortality—has backed us into a dreaded corner. So we throw out whatever we have-war, resource depletion, materialism-hoping that something will weaken him.

Then we go home everyday after battle and sleep in false comfort—telling ourselves that we are on the side of the good fight. We shout, “I will survive!” hoping that one day it will be true. Praying for the time when we can live forever. Have forever. Contain forever. We want coordinates. How long is forever exactly? Which way do I go to get there? Is that where they are going? What happens if I get there first? The birth of incentive. As I call it “In-sensitive.” Meaning you’re not sensing the gift that is already yours. If you do these deeds, you will be rewarded. Not, if you do these deeds you might be rewarded… some more. The prize is in the action. It’s in the ride you take to get there. It’s in the people you meet along the way. We are constantly being rewarded. Every day we get to close our eyes and reach deep down to pull out a prize beyond our wildest imaginings.

When you are working toward a goal, all you see is the “gold” you miss the other colors along the way. And when you look back, after the glory is yours to hold, what you hold most precious is the memory of it all not the commemorative statue. Once you get the thing that drives you… will you stop going? You will look for something else. And so begins the never-ending hunt in life. Always searching, looking, trying to get, uncover.

Lest ye not forget the dirt road you took on the way to the palace... the one that meandered alongside the cool water you drank. Or something like that. 

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June 24th

I live. I breathe. I die.

I was lying on the floor kicking and screaming-- I thought my tantrum would make him hear me, see me. And it did.  He looked at me and saw a girl kicking and screaming. Then he stepped over my writhing self and left me drowning in the sound of my own madness. In the haze of my passion and confusion I acted loudly. 

My punishment was not a reprimand or slap on the wrist--Instead of giving me what I wanted, I got nothingness. Silence. Metal bars. He shut me out completely and it made me sick. As if exile wasn't enough I was forced to acknowledge what I have denied for so long. SHE appeared on the other end. Voice. Silence. BANG. Death for me.

She exists. Not only in the confines of a brief story--or imagined realities. She took shape and filled in the blanks. She owns a piece of him as well. I fell apart. Piece by pitifully, shattered piece. He tried to create a portrait of her that was distant enough to pretend. And here I am lusting after him. Essentially waiting my turn.

I feel lost. I want to exists fully in his gaze. Not just a side glance or longing stares.....

November 27th

I feel like I've been welcomed to real experience. My emotions and mind must have given me the pretend version before. Now I am alive. This very moment. I don't feel anymore--I just become the experience. Right now I am making a transition into the next stage of my life. Its a moveable force. Before now, change seemed to happen without my knowledge. After, I'd find myself looking back at moments wondering how I made it through. But this time I am aware of each shift - all of the growth is palpable... Sometimes there is pain--excruciating and exquisite. Sometimes the laughter is warm and familiar. There are losses that leave us and empty and somehow full with questions. But the payoff is abundance.

There also exists a beautiful sense of belonging and understanding--no questioning, just being. Its a safe place that many of us strive toward always. I've found my place-right here in me. The pieces have always fit, adjusted and made space for all that I had become. The people here have always seen me for who I am. They have never questioned, only accepted, loved, and continued. It has always been me--I am the driving force and conversely, the cause for pause.

Now that I am awake for living, I can get out of the shadows. Out of my own way. My story is CONNECTIONS. Experiencing, Feeling, Being, Communicating, connecting the dots. I am blessed--bursting from abundance. I have been fortunate to have made countless connections-experiences with all types of people. Each one unique and just as transforming as the one before. I'm so thankful to have been engaged by all my senses, pulled in and swallowed up by each event, every person, all of the experience. That is my wealth, my riches have carried me through and keep me buoyant.  I'm in love with love and possibility. So here we are at the entrance to the next stage. I'm anxious, happily speculating and not fearful.

If my past is any indication and my intuition is any guide then the ride with be captivating, cultivating and much more than I can ever fathom. 

And as I pack up my memories I am intrigued by the spaces left unfilled... the story yet to be written. And in case you were wondering I'm already in love-because I know it's already there for me.

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